Why Do People Lose Their Rag When You Set Boundaries?

Meet “The Boundary Bloke”

Kicking off a new guest series on boundary-setting, The Boundary Bloke—from Newcastle—has seen firsthand how people-pleasing and guilt-tripping play out, he’s here to help you set boundaries, without apology.

Expect practical advice, dry humour, and a firm stance—because your boundaries aren’t up for discussion. Stay tuned for more in this series.

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Why Do People Lose Their Rag When You Set Boundaries?

You’d think saying "That doesn’t work for me" would be a reasonable thing. A simple statement, nothing personal. But no—some folk react like you’ve just insulted their entire family tree.

The moment you draw a line, they’re up in arms, sulking, guilt-tripping, or making a song and dance about how "you’ve changed."

And maybe you have. Maybe you’ve finally decided to stop bending over backwards for people who wouldn’t lift a finger for you. If that’s the case, good.

The only people who get upset about boundaries are the ones who benefitted from you not having any.

Why Do They Take It So Personally?

A boundary isn’t a personal attack, but some people hear it as one. You say, "I can’t help you this weekend," and they hear, "I don’t care about you." You say, "I’d rather not talk about that," and suddenly you’re "being difficult."

There are a few reasons people react badly:

1. They’re used to getting their own way. If they’re the sort who expects others to cater to them, your boundary is a reality check they don’t want. They’re not mad about the boundary itself—they’re mad that they can’t steamroll you anymore.

   
   

2. They think you’re being selfish. Because they’ve confused "being nice" with "being available on demand." You’re allowed to have limits. Saying "no" isn’t the same as saying "I don’t care about you."

   
   

3. They’re uncomfortable with change.If you’ve always been the one who says "yes" to everything, then suddenly start standing your ground, it unsettles people. They’d rather you stay the same—because it suits them.

   
   

4. They feel entitled to your time and energy. Some people genuinely believe they have a right to your time. They don’t see it as asking a favour—they see it as something they’re owed. And when you say no? Outrage.

   
   

The Guilt Trip: "You’ve Changed!"

Ah yes, the classic. The moment you stop doing what suits them, suddenly you’re "different." They make it sound like a bad thing, like you should apologise for growing a spine.

Here’s the truth: you have changed, and that’s a good thing. Because constantly people-pleasing isn’t a personality trait—it’s a survival mechanism that stops serving you the moment you realise your needs matter too.

They’ll say things like:

• "You used to be so easygoing!" (Translation: "You used to do whatever I wanted.")

  
  

• "I guess I just don’t know you anymore." (Translation: "I don’t like that you have boundaries now.")

  
  

• "You’re not the same person I became friends with." (Translation: "You’re not as easy to manipulate anymore.")

  
  

What to Do When They Kick Off

So, you set a boundary, and they’ve thrown their toys out of the pram. Now what?

• Stay firm. "I understand you’re upset, but this is what I need." That’s it. No justifying, no long-winded explanations.

  
  

• Don’t argue. If they’re determined to take it personally, that’s their choice. You don’t owe them a debate.

  
  

• Walk away if needed. Some people only learn when there’s a consequence. If they won’t respect your boundary, then maybe they don’t get the same level of access to you anymore.

  
  

• Set expectations. If they repeatedly ignore your boundaries, make it clear what will happen if they keep pushing. "If you keep bringing this up, I’m going to leave the conversation."

  
  

Final Thought: Boundaries Aren’t Up for Discussion

You can explain a boundary, sure. But you don’t need to defend it like you’re on trial. People don’t have to like your boundaries, but they do have to respect them. If they can’t, then the real question isn’t "Why are they upset?" but "Why do they think they’re entitled to override your needs?"

If setting a boundary makes someone angry, that’s their reaction to manage, not yours. The only person responsible for your well-being is you.

And if they can’t handle that? Well, they’ve just made your decision a lot easier.

Next Time: Can You Reason With Them or is it time to Just Lay Down the Law?

Some people are worth a conversation. Others? You just need to tell them how it is. Next time, we’ll talk about how to tell the difference.