Ever been in that spot where you’re putting in all the effort, but the other person just isn’t showing up? We’ve all been there. In relationships and friendships, it’s crucial to recognise when someone isn’t reciprocating your energy. Here’s my take on navigating that tricky territory.
The Reality Check
Long-term friendships can feel solid, built on years of shared memories and support. My friend and I have that connection—seven years of laughter and loyalty. After his marriage ended, he embraced the single life - a revolving door of hookups and casual dating - throughout which always made it clear how much he valued our friendship.
He often said that his friendships were just as important as any romantic relationship. But when he started seriously dating someone new, everything changed. Suddenly, he turned into that guy who cancels plans, makes excuses, and takes ages to reply to messages. It felt like he vanished into thin air, and I was left hanging.
Recognising the Signs
It’s not always easy to spot, but there are clear signs someone isn’t showing up meaningfully:
• Flaky behaviour: Cancelling plans at the last minute.
• Excuses: Always having some reason for not being around.
• One-sided communication: You’re the one always reaching out.
I started seeing these signs in my friend. He had always been there for me, but now he was ghosting me, making excuses, and just not being present.
What Does “Matching Energy” Mean?
Matching energy is all about adjusting your level of engagement to align with how someone else is showing up in the relationship.
“If you’re putting in more effort than the other person, it can leave you feeling undervalued and frustrated. By matching their energy, you’re essentially choosing to respond in kind, whether that means pulling back or reassessing how much you invest in the relationship. “
It’s not about playing games; it’s about protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring your energy is spent on those who appreciate and reciprocate it.
The Emotional Impact
This situation can be disheartening. I felt sad, abandoned, and honestly a little bit resentful. We had a meaningful connection, and I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t balance his new relationship with our friendship. It hurt, especially coming from someone who always claimed that friendships were vital. But through it all, I never doubted myself. I knew I had done nothing wrong and was aware of my value as a friend and a person.
Strategies for Matching Energy
When I realised things weren’t going to change, I took some steps to manage my expectations and match his energy:
• Turned off notifications for his messages. If I’m not a priority to him, his messages aren’t a priority to me.
• Unpinned our message thread. I’m happy for our thread to drift to the bottom of my inbox if that’s what happens. Pinned messages for my reliable friends.
• Added a ghost emoji to his contact card. A little reminder that he often ghosts me, and when I see the message come in - I remember not to rush to respond.
• I stopped prioritising spending time with him, I actively sought out the company of others.
• I stopped reaching out as often, I’m not checking in with someone who can’t respond for hours or days at a time.
While these actions might seem petty, they’re a small but significant way to take back control in a situation I genuinely can’t influence. They help me maintain my dignity and feel like a meaningful response to being let down and deprioritised.
No way am I fighting for a place in someone’s life if they don’t show me they want me there.
The Importance of Self-Worth
It’s vital to remember your own worth. Don’t let someone else’s lack of effort make you feel less than. Keep your head up and know that you deserve friends and partners who value you.
Personal Reflection
Right now, I’m choosing not to waste my time moping. Instead, I’m focusing on nurturing other long-standing friendships and putting my energy into new people who want to be part of my life.
It’s been refreshing to make new friends, they appreciate me for who I am and are willing to reciprocate the effort. This shift has helped me realise that I’m not defined by one person’s actions, and there’s a whole world of supportive connections out there waiting to be explored.
Where We Go from Here
If you’re dealing with someone who isn’t showing up, remember it’s up to you if you want to call them out or not. If you do, approach it with kindness. Let them know you miss them and explain how their behaviour impacts you, but don’t attack them, respect that they get to choose how much energy to put into your relationship.
If you don’t want to have that conversation, that’s perfectly valid too. You don’t have to chase anyone’s affection.
“I’m genuinely feel happy for my friend; he’s found a meaningful romantic relationship, something he’s long desired. He deserves all the joy and love that comes with it. “
If he learns to balance his relationship with his boyfriend alongside his friendships more successfully in the future, the door will always be open. But it’s important to recognise that our friendship will take investment and nurturing to attempt to return to its former level of closeness, and just as important to remember that total restoration may not be possible.
“If you push me away, I promise you, you won't find me where you left me. My heart's big, but not big enough to deal with people who decide to love me only when it's convenient for them.”
Focus on yourself and those who appreciate you, but also be open to rekindling the connections that really matter.