Poly in a Mono World: Navigating Love from Two Angles

Living Outside Your Identity

Being polyamorous in a monogamous relationship isn’t just a compromise—it’s trying to step outside of your identity while holding onto the core of who you are.

For me, polyamory is a big part of how I connect with people emotionally and romantically. It’s not just about having multiple relationships; it’s about the freedom to explore love and connection in ways that feel authentic to me.

When I started dating my partner, I was upfront about being polyamorous. It wasn’t a secret or a “maybe someday” kind of thing—it’s part of who I am. My partner, while accepting of my identity, has been equally clear about theirs: they’re monogamous. Not in a “maybe someday” kind of way, either. It’s simply not something they want or feel they can handle. And that’s okay.

So, we reached an understanding. To explore our relationship together, I chose to accept a predominantly monogamous dynamic—we are "monogamish"—even though it means acting outside of my poly-identity.

It’s not a decision I took lightly. Holding back on something so intrinsic to your personality isn’t easy, but relationships often require sacrifices, and this was one I made willingly.

Living in Two Worlds

Navigating this dynamic has its challenges. There are moments when the absence of the emotional aspect of polyamory feels like a missing piece in my life. But there are also moments of profound connection and love with my partner that remind me why I made this choice. They make me laugh more than anyone else in this world. It’s a balance—not perfect, but one that currently works for us. The key is knowing that this dynamic is built on mutual understanding, not coercion or fear-based compromise.

Boundaries Without Restriction

Navigating boundaries in a poly-mono relationship is like threading a needle—you need precision, trust, and an understanding that not everything can (or should) be stitched the same way. For my partner and me, the boundaries we’ve set are simple but significant: sexual experiences we have with others are something we enjoy together.

This approach works for us because it creates a sense of security without the need for restrictive, hard-to-enforce rules. We avoid micromanaging physical boundaries during those shared experiences—like saying “sucking is okay, but fucking isn’t”—because trying to enforce them in the moment would add unnecessary stress.

Let’s be honest: in the heat of passion, rules can easily blur, and nobody wants to pause the fun for a committee meeting on what’s allowed. These rules work for some people but not us.

Our focus is on being fully present for each other, both physically and emotionally. Sharing these experiences as a couple strengthens our connection and allows us to explore desires together without creating distance. Knowing that we’re both there, aware and engaged, removes the potential for misunderstandings or resentments.

Emotional Needs vs. Sacrifice

Polyamory isn’t just about sex—it’s about meaningful connections that go beyond a single relationship. For me, the emotional element of polyamory is as significant as the physical, and that’s the part that isn’t fulfilled in my current dynamic. It’s a sacrifice, and a substantial. But in relationships, sacrifice often comes with the territory.

Choosing to prioritise my relationship with my monogamous partner means setting aside that aspect of my identity. I's something I do to respect their boundary. There are moments when I feel the absence of that emotional connection with others acutely, like a part of myself is lying dormant. But I consent fully to this relationship dynamic.

I remind myself why I made this choice. The love and connection I have with my partner is worth it, and I’ve found ways to cope with the sacrifices I’ve made. Journaling helps me process the feelings I can’t always articulate. Writing for my blog allows me to explore those emotions in a way that not only helps me but also resonates with others in similar situations. I’ve also found solace in online communities, such as Reddit’s r/Polyamory, where I can connect with people who understand the complexities of poly-mono dynamics.

Communication as a Lifeline

In any relationship, communication is essential. In a poly-mono relationship, it’s everything. For my partner and me, open and honest conversations were the foundation of how we navigated this complex dynamic at the beginning. Without talking it through it would be impossible to maintain the balance between my identity as a poly person and their monogamous boundaries.

From the very beginning, I made a promise to talk openly about my needs, feelings, and boundaries. We agreed that if the dynamic ever became unworkable for either of us, we would address it head-on. There’s no room for guessing games or unspoken resentments—if something needs to be said, it must get said. This clarity helps prevent small issues from festering into larger problems.

One of the most important aspects of our communication is acknowledging that things can change. Relationships are not static, and what works now might not work forever. That’s why we’ve committed to revisiting our boundaries and agreements if necessary. It’s not about constantly renegotiating or testing limits; it’s about staying in sync as individuals and as a couple.

Managing the Emotional Weight

Living as a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship comes with its share of emotional challenges. Sacrificing a part of your identity to maintain a loving partnership is no small ask, and the weight of that decision doesn’t just disappear once it’s made.

For me, managing those emotions requires intentionality, reflection, and finding outlets that help me process my feelings in a healthy way.

Putting pen to paper—or fingers to keyboard—lets me untangle the mess of thoughts and feelings that sometimes swirl in my mind. Writing about my experiences helps me clarify what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and how I want to respond. It’s like having a conversation with myself, one that’s free from judgement or external pressure.

Love on Your Own Terms

Navigating a poly-mono relationship isn’t easy, but it’s a testament to the power of love, respect, and commitment. Whether poly, mono, or somewhere in between, the core truth remains: relationships thrive when built on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. What matters most is creating a dynamic that honours the identities and needs of everyone involved.