Breakups suck. They’re awkward, emotionally draining, and, when you’re in a polyamorous relationship, they can really throw a wrench into the works.
You’ve probably heard of the “polyamory is just one big orgy” stereotype, but polyamory is actually about navigating multiple emotional connections – and that includes when one of those connections falls apart.
If your partner is going through a breakup with another partner, it can feel like an emotional minefield. You want to be supportive, but it’s hard to know exactly how to balance your needs with theirs, especially when their grief is so consuming.
Here’s the thing: while you might not be able to fix anything, there are definitely ways to be there for them during this time. So, if you find yourself wondering how to handle this emotional emergency, read on for some tips on how to support your partner while keeping your relationship safe from the fall-out.
Polyamory in a Nutshell
Before we get into the nitty-gritty of supporting your partner through a breakup, let’s quickly cover what polyamory actually is.
Polyamory is a type of consensual non-monogamy where people engage in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It’s about love, connection, and intimacy in more than one form, with communication being at the heart of it all.
In poly relationships, emotions can run deep, and that includes breakups. It’s important to remember that even though your partner’s breakup with their other partner doesn’t directly involve you, it does affect you both emotionally, as well as your connection. So, what should you do when your partner’s other relationship crumbles?
The Rules of Polyamory
Polyamory doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all set of rules. Different people and different relationships have their own guidelines. But there are a few things that are pretty standard across the board:
• Communication is key: This is the foundation of any successful polyamorous relationship. Keeping everyone on the same page ensures that no one feels blindsided or left out.
• Consent is crucial: Everyone involved needs to agree on the terms of the relationship. Whether it’s a casual thing or a deep connection, consent makes everything work smoothly.
• Boundaries matter: Every poly relationship has boundaries, whether emotional, sexual, or practical. Being clear about what’s acceptable helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
When your partner’s relationship with their other partner ends, these rules matter even more. Clear communication becomes especially important in maintaining your relationship while you’re both navigating this emotional upheaval.
Polyamory vs. Polygamy: The Key Differences
Before we go any further, let’s clear up some confusion. Polyamory and polygamy are two different things. Polygamy refers specifically to a marriage that involves more than one spouse, often with one man married to multiple women. Polyamory, on the other hand, is about having multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, and it doesn’t necessarily include marriage.
In polyamory, there are no hard-and-fast rules about how many partners you can have, as long as everyone’s in the loop and happy with the arrangement. So, when your partner’s relationship with their other partner ends, it’s about navigating those multiple connections and figuring out how to support them emotionally while still honouring your own relationship.
Is Polyamory Legal in the UK?
Polyamory itself is legal in the UK. There’s no law that says you can’t have multiple partners – as long as all relationships are consensual, everything is above board.
However, marriage laws don’t recognise polyamorous unions, and certain legal situations (like inheritance or medical decision-making) can get tricky if you’re not legally married. But in the day-to-day, polyamory is totally fine.
Is Polyamory Morally Right?
This is a question that comes up a lot, and the answer depends on who you ask. Polyamory, like any relationship style, is morally right if everyone involved is happy, honest, and consensual.
It’s a relationship structure that works for some people, but not for everyone. As long as no one is being hurt or deceived, and everyone is clear about what they want, polyamory can be just as morally valid as monogamy.
Their breakup is no different to a breakup in a monogamous relationship. You’ll need to respect their emotional process, but while maintaining your own boundaries and connection.
What Do Psychologists Say About Polyamory?
Psychologists generally agree that polyamory can be a healthy relationship model for some people. It’s all about the ability to communicate, set boundaries, and navigate emotions.
However, like any relationship, polyamory can also come with its own challenges, especially when one partner is grieving a breakup.
In your case, while your partner is going through a difficult breakup, it’s important to give them space to process their emotions. Grief can look different in polyamory – it might not just be about losing a partner, but also the loss of a friendship, which can complicate things.
Understanding that grief can affect your relationship dynamics will help you support them in a healthy, empathetic way.
The Challenges of Jealousy and Relationship Dynamics
Let’s be real: jealousy isn’t reserved just for monogamous relationships. In fact, jealousy can be a pretty regular guest in polyamory, especially when your partner is going through something as emotionally intense as a breakup.
The thing is, jealousy isn’t inherently bad – it’s how we deal with it that counts. It’s important to acknowledge it, unpack it, and figure out how it fits into your relationship dynamic, especially when grief is in the mix.
Jealousy in Polyamory – It’s Normal, But It Can Be Messy
You might find yourself feeling a little twinge of jealousy during this time. Maybe it’s because your partner is so emotionally consumed by their breakup that they don’t have the same energy for you. Or perhaps it’s because their ex still occupies space in their thoughts, and that feels like an emotional third wheel in your relationship.
In polyamory, jealousy often arises from insecurities or fears of being replaced or overlooked. But the key here is communication. You don’t have to hide your feelings or pretend they don’t exist. It’s perfectly normal to feel some jealousy when your partner is grieving, especially if that grief is taking up a lot of their emotional bandwidth.
The trick is to express your feelings in a healthy, constructive way. Instead of bottling up your jealousy and letting it fester, address it head-on. Say something like, “I’m feeling a bit left out right now, and I know it’s not intentional, but I need some reassurance.” This helps to defuse any tension without making your partner feel guilty for something they might not even be aware of.
Navigating Shifting Relationship Dynamics
When grief is in the picture, your relationship dynamics will inevitably shift – sometimes in ways that feel disorienting. Maybe you’re not seeing your partner as often, or the quality of your time together feels different. These shifts can amplify insecurities and feelings of jealousy, particularly if your partner is focused on their healing and spending less time with you.
In a poly dynamic, these shifts can also bring up feelings of uncertainty about your place in the relationship. During the breakup period, your partner might rely on others for emotional support, and while that’s totally normal, it can still sting a bit. It’s easy to feel like a bit of a secondary figure when your partner’s emotional attention is elsewhere, but remember, that doesn’t mean your value is any less. It just means that their grief requires a different kind of support, and that’s okay.
The key to handling these shifts is flexibility and patience. Don’t expect everything to stay the same when your partner is grieving, but don’t let that make you feel insignificant. Your relationship with them is still important, even if it looks a bit different for a while.
Managing Jealousy During a Partner’s Breakup
If you’re feeling jealous because your partner’s focus has shifted to their ex (or to their grief), here’s something to keep in mind: their heartbreak isn’t a reflection of their feelings for you. Grief often takes over in a way that makes it hard to be fully present in other relationships. This doesn’t mean they love you any less or that you’re being replaced by their past.
Instead of competing for emotional attention, try shifting your perspective. Remind yourself that your partner’s process of healing isn’t about you; it’s about them working through their emotions. Jealousy can blur this distinction, but if you’re able to take a step back and remind yourself that this is temporary, you’ll be in a better headspace to support them and manage your own feelings.
What About Your Metamour?
If you’re in a poly relationship with a dynamic where your partner has another partner, the situation can be even trickier. Your metamour – your partner’s other partner – might also be affected by this breakup, especially if they were close to your partner’s ex. Navigating these complex dynamics can lead to feelings of jealousy not just with your partner, but within your larger poly network.
As with jealousy in any poly relationship, communication is key. If you feel uneasy about your metamour’s emotional involvement or how your partner is balancing relationships, have an open conversation about it. Remember, the more transparent you are with your feelings, the more everyone involved can support each other.
Supporting Your Partner Through the Grief
Now that we’ve covered some of the foundational issues, let’s get to the meat of this article: how exactly do you support your partner during their breakup?
1. Listen without judgment. Your partner is going through something tough. Give them the space to talk, cry, vent, or just sit in silence if that’s what they need. Don’t rush them to feel better, and don’t try to fix everything. Sometimes the best support is just being a comforting presence.
2. Respect their emotional space. It’s easy to feel helpless when your partner is emotionally unavailable. But remember, they’re not pushing you away – they’re processing their feelings. Allow them time and space to do so without making it about you.
3. Encourage self-care. Help your partner take care of themselves. This can mean everything from reminding them to eat, to offering a comforting activity like watching a movie or going for a walk together. Grief can take a toll physically and emotionally, so supporting your partner in taking care of their mental and physical well-being is crucial.
4. Make sure your own needs are met. While it’s important to support your partner, don’t forget about yourself in the process. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or need space, it’s okay to communicate that too. Taking care of yourself ensures you’re in the best place to support them.
5. Check in with other partners. If you have other partners, make sure you’re balancing your emotional needs with theirs. Polyamory isn’t just about your relationship with your primary partner – it’s about ensuring everyone feels valued, heard, and supported.
The Bottom Line
Being supportive during your partner’s breakup is all about balancing their needs with your own, and managing your emotions without losing sight of your relationship. Polyamory can bring extra layers to this process, but the core principles of communication, empathy, and mutual respect still apply.