Monkey Branching: The Relationship Jungle Gym No One Asked For

Monkey Branching

You ever dated someone who swore they were "all in," only to find out they’d been emotionally (or physically) lining up their next victim while still cuddling you on the sofa? Yeah. That’s monkey branching. It’s manipulative, gutless, and emotionally catastrophic for the poor sod left dangling in midair.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about people who move on quickly after a breakup. That’s a whole different toxic behaviour. I’m talking about people who start emotionally investing in someone new while still officially with someone else. They’re testing vines behind your back, weighing their options like it’s Love Island, except you’re the one in the background making their dinner

The Hurt They Leave Behind

Let’s talk about what it feels like to be the “old branch.”

It’s not just heartbreak. It’s whiplash. One minute you’re in a relationship — having sex, splitting bills, planning weekends — and the next, you’re alone with an empty side of the bed and someone else posting pictures of brunch with your ex.

They don’t just leave. They upgrade — or at least pretend to. The new toy gets their attention, affection, and that sickening “honeymoon phase” sparkle, while you’re left unpacking the emotional landfill they dropped at your door.

You start questioning everything. Did they ever really love you? Were you always just a stepping stone? Is everyone this incapable of basic fucking decency?

It messes with your trust, your confidence, your sense of reality. And all because someone didn’t have the emotional maturity to be single for five minutes and sit with their own discomfort.

Why Do They Do It?

Spoiler alert: it’s rarely about love.

People who monkey branch are often chasing validation, novelty, or attention. Sometimes they’re just scared of being alone. Sometimes they want out of their current relationship, but lack the spine to end it unless there’s a safety net.

So instead of breaking up with dignity, they slip into someone else’s DMs. Download Grindr, or start swiping on Scruff. They start flirting hard. They start building “connections.” Making new 'Friends'. They emotionally check out long before they physically walk away. And when they do leave? They spin it like it was just bad timing or “we grew apart.”

Nah. You didn’t grow apart. You cheated emotionally, you lied by omission, and you robbed someone of the truth they deserved — all while prepping your next Instagrammable romance.

Monkey Branchers Be Like...

• “We were basically over anyway.” Then why didn’t you end it before hopping onto someone new?

  
  

• “I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Oh, sure. Attraction is inevitable. Choices are intentional.

  
  

• “It just felt right.” You know what else should feel right? Integrity.

  
  

• "Our sex life is bad, I have needs." Maybe focus on fixing what's in front of you rather than looking for a new hookup?

  
  

Let's Be Real: Everyone Knows

Let’s not pretend this shit goes unnoticed. Monkey branchers often think they’re slick — sending flirty messages in secret, changing their phone habits, adding passwords, waiting for you to be in a different postcode - or out of the country - then emotionally pulling away while gaslighting their partner into thinking nothing’s wrong.

But the partner knows. They feel it. The late replies, the emotional distance, the sudden obsession with a 'new friend'. The desire to go away for a few days with 'mates'. The silence when you ask where your relationship is going.

By the time the breakup happens, it’s less of a surprise and more of a confirmation. But the pain hits just as hard — because someone who once claimed to care about you knew they were hurting you, and did it anyway.

Stop Letting Them Get Away With It

We need to stop romanticising people who leapfrog relationships like it’s Olympic sport.

They’re not “just following their heart.” They’re avoiding accountability. They’re using people as emotional crutches and tossing them aside when someone shinier comes along.

And if you’re the new person someone’s swinging toward? Don’t be smug. You’re not special. You’re just next. You’re a rebound in waiting, a pit stop on their journey to… wherever their ego takes them. Ask yourself: If they did it to their ex, why wouldn’t they do it to you?

If You’ve Been the Branch…

You’re not stupid. You’re not weak. You’re not unworthy. You just loved someone who didn’t have the maturity to be honest.

What they did reflects on them, not you.

But it will leave a scar. A lesson. Maybe a little jaded edge around the heart. That’s okay. That’s survival. That’s the voice inside you whispering, “Never again.”

Next time someone seems emotionally unavailable? You’ll spot it. Next time someone’s vague about their ex, or constantly glued to their phone, or seems more invested in external validation than in you? You’ll trust your gut.

Because once you’ve been the abandoned branch, you learn to watch for the signs of someone with a pocket full of vines and no intention of staying rooted.

Final Word From the Tree

Monkey branching isn’t a harmless habit. It’s emotional cowardice dressed up in charm. It leaves wreckage. It chips away at people’s ability to trust and be vulnerable. And honestly? It’s pathetic.

Break up. Be single. Learn how to sit in the quiet with your own damn self. Stop dragging good people into your mess just because you’re too scared to face your feelings alone.

And if you're reading this thinking, “Shit, I’ve done this…” — good. Now go do better. Grow roots. Grow up.