Let me tell you about a friend I used to have.
We’d hang out multiple times a week—movie nights, spontaneous coffee runs, and the kind of deep, late-night chats that make you feel seen and safe. It wasn’t just a friendship; it was a connection. And then, life happened. Things changed. One day, they became “too busy.” At first, I understood. Life can be a lot. But weeks turned into months, and it's been months since I saw them.
They texted me today, “I miss you.” And you know what? I believe they do, we love each, but love and hurt often go hand in hand.
This isn’t about blaming them or tearing them down. It’s about exploring what happens when priorities shift and people grow in different directions. It’s about the pain of feeling left behind while still wishing them well.
If you’ve ever been here, you might want to check out my posts on the end of friendship and what to do when a friend doesn’t prioritise you.
The Myth of Being “Too Busy”
I get it. Life gets messy. We all have obligations, unexpected challenges, and days when we just want to collapse into bed when we get home.
But here’s the thing: nobody is truly “too busy” for someone they care about. We make time for what matters most.
A text chat, a call, even sharing a meme—these small gestures show love and connection.
When someone says they’re too busy, it often means, “I can’t prioritise you right now.”
Being deprioritised is okay, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s hard to reconcile caring deeply for someone who can’t or won’t show up for you in the way they once did.
When “Too Busy” Becomes a Pattern
At first, I made excuses for them. Their life was rapidly changing. They need space and time. They'll figure out how to balance things soon.
But then, I started noticing a pattern. Cancelled plans became the norm. Replies got shorter and less frequent. They are always "too busy" but their Instagram posts just told me they were too busy doing fun stuff. It wasn’t about being too busy to have fun, they were too busy to have fun with me.
That realisation was devastating. Not because they're not entitled to make those choices, to grow and change - but because I miss what we had. It’s a quiet kind of heartbreak, watching someone drift away and feeling powerless to stop it.
I love them deeply, I want them to be happy, but I’d be lying if I said their absence didn’t hurt, but I'm cheering them on from a distance.
The Emotional Toll of a One-Sided Friendship
When someone you care about stops showing up, it’s easy to internalise it. Was it something I did? Am I asking for too much? These questions can spiral, leaving you feeling unworthy or unimportant. But the truth is, friendships require mutual effort. It’s about showing up, even when it’s inconvenient.
When they don’t, it creates a void. And that void is filled with grief—not the loud, dramatic kind, but the quiet ache of losing something you thought was solid. It’s okay to feel that grief. It’s okay to miss them while also recognising that their actions have caused you pain.
Why People Use the “Too Busy” Excuse
It’s rarely malicious. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to hurt you; they’re just caught up in their own lives.
Here are some reasons they might pull away:
Overwhelm: They genuinely have too much on their plate and don’t know how to communicate it.
Change: Their priorities or circumstances have shifted, and they’re struggling to balance everything.
Avoidance: They’re avoiding something—maybe guilt, maybe a difficult conversation.
Understanding these reasons doesn’t erase the hurt, but it can help you approach the situation with compassion.
How to Respond to a Flaky Friend
Navigating this kind of situation is tricky.
Here’s what helped me:
Speak Your Truth: Not in anger, but in honesty: “I miss you, and I feel like we’re drifting apart. Is everything okay?” Sometimes, opening that door can lead to understanding.
Set Boundaries: I’ve learned that I can’t force someone to show up, but I can decide how much effort I’m willing to give. If they can’t meet me halfway, that’s on them.
Focus on What You Can Control: I started pouring my energy into the friends who do make me feel valued. It doesn’t erase the hurt, but it reminds me that I’m not alone.
Let Go with Love: If the friendship feels more like a source of pain than joy, it might be time to step back. That doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means you care enough about yourself to prioritise your well-being.
Are You the “Too Busy” Friend?
We’ve all been there. Life gets chaotic, and sometimes we unintentionally neglect the people we love. If you’re reading this and feeling a pang of guilt, don’t panic. Friendships can be repaired if you’re willing to put in the effort.
Apologise: A simple, heartfelt “I’m sorry I’ve been distant” can go a long way.
Be Intentional: Schedule time for your friends. Treat it like the priority it is.
Communicate: Let them know what’s going on. Even a quick update can make someone feel valued.
You need to understand that you might have to work for your place in our lives again - you can't expect to pick up where you left off.
The Big Picture
Friendships evolve. People grow, priorities shift, and sometimes, paths diverge. It’s a natural part of life, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
When someone you love drifts away, it’s okay to feel hurt. It’s okay to grieve the connection you once had.
Love doesn’t mean holding on at all costs. Sometimes, loving someone means letting them go and wishing them well from a distance. And sometimes, holding the door ajar for reconciliation, while protecting your own heart.
So, to the friend who’s too busy, I hope you’re happy. Truly. You deserve the world. If you ever decide to come back, the door is unlocked if not open. Just know that rebuilding our relationship will take time - love is unconditional, but trust? That has to be earned.
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