There's two trips happening right now, and one of them isn't for you.
Trigger warnings: Sexual Promiscuity, Gay Sex, Public Sex, Sexual Infidelity
Heading on a vacation or trip with a gay family member or friend? Whether it's your brother, your Guncle, your dad, or gay bestie - there's something you need to know: there are two vacations happening.
While you may be enjoying the sights and activities with your loved ones, your homo travel partner is likely engaging in a second, more colourful and entirely less wholesome holiday.
The first vacation is the one you're aware of – the one where we're all together, making memories, and having a great time with family, friends, nieces, nephews, and everyone in between. This is the vacation you see, the one filled with laughter and shared experiences. The selfies, sunbathing, sangria and sightseeing.
Then there's the second vacation.
This is the one that goes unnoticed. This is the secret mission. You see, we are like MI6 or CIA agents, skilled in the art of seamlessly navigating between worlds. When executed correctly, you won't even realise it's happening.
Here's the picture: I'm vacationing with my family for a few days. While I'm fully engaged in the family activities, I might discreetly slip away to explore a nude beach or hang out at a local gay bar with new friends for a short while.
Everyone else is asleep? I might sneak out for a late-night rendezvous. Or head to the bathhouse to blow off steam.
The time I nipped out for ice and came back empty handed? Spoiler alert: there was no ice in room 188. (There was, however, a horny lad desperate to make the clear running water worth the effort. Yes, we have to be quick - his missus* is at the spa).
That time I went to 'get some snacks' at the airport and came back looking a little disheveled? That was because 'Looking2Suk' was 130 meters away and had 15 mins to spare before boarding his flight to Ibiza, and seriously - who says no to a departure gate blow job?
I promise this covert mission won't disrupt the family vacation experience – it's just part of our dual itinerary, you'll never know our 'holiday hookups' hit double digits. At least we hope you'll never find out!
If you happen to notice any subtle signs of our second vacation – like the disappearing acts or intense phone activity – I implore you: do not ask questions.
Seriously, resist the urge to pry. You don't need to know the details of our covert operations, that's mission critical information. You don't want to stumble upon anything you can't unsee:
(Hint: inappropriate photos from closeted straight bros or real-daddies, the ones that have kids. They're guaranteed at a holiday resort. The married guy* 3 sun loungers over isn't messaging his aging mother back home, he's sharing his private album on Grindr - and I promise there's nothing in there you want to see.)
TL:DR: when vacationing with us gays, remember that there are two vacations happening – one for us all, and one for me. Embrace the shared moments together, and don't ask where we have just been...
*Morality Disclaimer: I'm poly-minded and my relationships are typically non-monogamous, with the informed consent of my partners. I have cheated on people in the past (that's a story I might share in the future). The reasons people cheat are myriad and complex.
Personally I wouldn't do it again - but I don't judge other people if they do - that's on their conscience, I don't know enough about them to judge them.